Around half past 7 in the morning, the sky still too gloomy and boring, even with bright gleams of the few vehicles on the road.
This is a tranquil time, just perfect to listen to clever tunes and gentle melodies that it is almost too hard to stop looking for the beloved device, even when I know it’s not there.
Surprisingly the hardest part came when the silence turned to an uproar of sound that usually took the form of the millions of stars that go unnoticed, for that one to shine.
I was forced to listen in a way I never had!
The school bus screeched and cried every turn it took only quieting down when we came to a stop. I didn’t know the bus cried so much every morning.
Howls of laughter differing from high and low fell into a jingle that synchronized every moment or so. This brought warm tingles of euphoria throughout my body and a lazy grin to my face.
The brisk wind sneaked through the windows openings making a riotous racket on it’s way in.
How could all this noise go unnoticed just hiding behind the curves of my ears.
You’d think after this I wouldn’t miss my clever tunes and gentle melodies.
Originally I got the idea to write this poem from forgetting my headphones one day. It wasn’t a particularly terrible time it was just kind of a time that never usually happens. That day I was able to really just relax and listen to what is going on around me. It amazing considering how much of the day I spend without my headphones that it was during this early morning time that stood out so much to me. You think that you listen so much thought out your regular day consisting of daily lectures and interesting gossips but I don’t believe that we do. I think that during these times we are just hearing and responding because it happens so often that it has becomes a routine for us. When you truly listen to something I believe you won’t only hear it for what it appears to be but rather what it can be and what it means to you.
Dear Safiya,
I love the concept of your piece! It’s really interesting to me, because like you, I bring things with me – whether it be a book or headphones – that causes me to tune everything else out. Your piece is so honest in the sense that it describes something real; it gives life to something so ordinary that we wouldn’t normally think about it in depth. That, to me, is real beauty – taking ordinary things, like the sounds we forget to listen to, and showing them for their real extraordinariness.
As well, I think that the structure of your piece was very well done. The lines almost all of even lengths, which helped to highlight the lines that weren’t when you deviated from this pattern. I also appreciated the length of this piece; it wasn’t too long and you did not drag out a concept that was meant to be simple and beautiful. However, you still explored it in enough depth that there was a finality to the end of the piece.
As a constructive criticism, I think you could work on making the focus clearer and improving the flow. I was often confused due to a lack of clarity and cohesion. Part of this has to do with your GUMPS, which are easy enough to fix for the next piece. The other thing I would suggest is to just read your pieces out loud before you post them so that you can here where the writing becomes confusing. Try and focus on what your intention is with the particular line you are writing; if it has no purpose, there is no need to leave it in there.
Otherwise, I think that you did a wonderful job of capturing something simple but important. Thanks for an interesting read!
Love,
Ziyana
Safiya,
As I was looking through my dashboard on Edublogs to find a story to read, I was instantly drawn in to your piece. I felt very compelled to read it, and I have to say that your writing is beautiful.
It is true that you hear so much more of the world without your earphones, and how much you can miss with them on. The words you used to portray what goes on when you stop to listen to the world was wonderfully poetic. I found myself able to imagine the scene you illustrated perfectly. Lastly, I adore the final sentence,
“You’d think after this I wouldn’t miss my clever tunes and gentle melodies.”
Personally, I connected to this piece in the way that whenever I forget my earphones, I feel that horrible sense of dissatisfaction. I’ve lost my ability to survive bus rides without music… And I don’t even have music on for most of my day anyways! This piece is very relatable to our generation, since we’ve all learned to depend on our electronic devices. It made me realize that I should take the time to enjoy the world.
One piece of advice I may give is about the title picture. When I saw the picture, I thought your story would be about death as there is blood in the picture and a body on the ground. As I began to read further, I was a little thrown off and confused. At one point I thought someone got hit by a car, but it was too peaceful in the next line to have happened. It was then that I got lost during the piece, but was quickly brought back with your beautiful writing! It may be my own fault, but I suggest you find a picture that represents the piece. Of course you could interpret the picture as a sign that we can’t survive without earphones, and if that is what you were going for, feel free to tell me!
I look forward to more of your writing!! Keep up with the hard work!
Elissa.
Safiya,
We so often forget about the world around us because of our headphones. People our age have never really noticed the beauty surrounding us. This piece was very beautiful itself because you were forced into enduring life’s turbulence and all the noise but there is a calming melody to it despite the chaos. I will soon definitely leave my headphones out one day in order to experience the world in ways I’ve never known.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece with us!
Emily
Great Job !