Dear the boy with the prettiest hazel eyes,
Remember when we were at the grocery store on one of our famous nighttime adventures looking for food. Of course, that’s what we are always doing. You were deciding on what kind of Chinese meal to get and I was running around the store picking up snacks for when we get home and want to watch a movie. You couldn’t decide if you wanted the noodle stir-fry with boiled dumplings or fried rice with teriyaki chicken or maybe sweet and sour pork with chow mein? I was teasing because I thought you were being a loser for being so picky. You were pretending to be offended and but then you would tickle me until I begged for mercy. And it was in that moment that as we walked out of the store, your hands filled with fried rice and teriyaki chicken and mine with too many movie snacks I realized that I would never forget this moment. The moment that I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I was in love with you and I could only hope you felt the same way for me.
But that was then and this is now.
I’m sorry that life has treated you this way. You of all people deserve so much more. But what you deserve is not a reality. And for that I will never be able to forgive myself. I should have been the one to suffer. The one to stay up late at night crying because crying is better than sleeping. When you’re crying you don’t risk dreaming. You tell me that when you are dreaming the worst of your memories visit you. I want to be the one calm you down as you wake up in cold sweats from the terrors of the night. The one to hold you until you are too tired to keep your eyes open. You say nothing can stop the dreams when you are in this state. This sate of no control, a state of absolute chaos.
Maybe that was your issue. You were never any good at not being in control. Just know that whatever happens I will always be there for you.
Forever and always,
Your best friend