The loud trembles of music bounce from wall to wall allowing those who could to move to the beat that was neither too fast nor slow. It fell between an electric speed that had perfectly placed pulses purposely exaggerated in a way that slowed the tune to a speed where rhythmic movement was capable. Hips were swaying from side to side trying to hit every single beat. This movement should have been difficult but they made it look easy and even attractive in their drunken haze. The men danced too as they knew this would be the last time they would be able to in long while.
They were setting off for the first documented journey ever across the untouched ocean of the east. All of them in search of gold and wealth. As the night sky grew ever darker the music lowered and the crew slowly made their way onto the ship with women decorating there waist both ready for one last night of fun.
Finally the sky began to awaken as it wiped the morning’s greys out of its eyes clearing the view and allowing bright lights to shine through. The men roused too, frustrated with how the light burned their eyes and caused repetitive pain to vibrate through their heads. The rolling of their environment indicated that they have already taken off. Someone must have not been lucky enough to find a women for the night.
Men began to regain full consciousness and realized the mistake they had made and like any pirate they came up with a gruesome plan. So as a crew, the men whipped a deadly concoction and hovered it below the still sleeping women’s noses. They then gathered all the rope they needed and began to tie the women’s feet together. Lastly they added weights around their legs and finally began throwing the women over board.
Unaware that the women could hear everything that was going on around them the men chatted about how smart their idea was and how stupid they were to allowed these unworthy women on board. Everyone knew that a women on a ship at sea will defiantly lead to destruction even the women. But they thought the men would have woken them and let them leave before they set off.
They realized how wrong they were as they sunk to the bottom of the ocean, all angry and seeking revenge for they had not only lost their life, but also many had left behind daughters and sons too. Maybe it was because of their tremendous loss that the gods from below felt pity for them, because as they unconsciously descended lower and lower into the seas ebony colored depths their legs began to bind together as one.
They grew vivid scales on what used to be there legs and also on their upper backs. Fins began to erupted from their forearms and spines. Their skin lost its rich color and instead became more transparent and shimmered in the light that shone through the ocean water as more days past with them laying on the sea bed.
Dazed and confused they finally awoke and discovered they hadn’t died but rather had transformed into alluring creatures of the sea all on a quest for sweet revenge on the filthy men who did this to them. They now were the first mermaids thanks to them.
Dear Safiya,
I really enjoyed this piece , it had a very haunted and dark feeling about it. I feel like you could have been a bit more descriptive to really draw readers in and added more commas to make it flow a little more smoothly. But overall, it’s a great start and I look forward to how it will play out!
-Kayla
Besides a few grammar mistakes and sentence fragments, your work is amazing. The imagery was so vivid , I really helped to understand your plot. There were some words, I felt that were unnecessary or used as fillers , and I think the piece would flow a lot better without. But otherwise , the story was both entertaining and beautiful. I like the more playful story vibe you gave to it. <3.
Safufu (not a typo),
I loved this! Your idea for the creation of the first mermaid was so good! I love this idea. I have a question – did you come up with this yourself (wow) or was it influenced by mythology itself (I love mythology)?
I really liked how you didn’t reveal that the men were pirates until the middle – at first I thought you were doing a story about clubbing! Haha. Your story has a strong element of “coming full circle”, which is always a treat to read. Thank you for writing this!
One tip I would offer to you for future is grammar and spelling. There were a few times in your story that a sentence could have been worded differently – but this can be easily rectified and it didn’t take me out of your piece.
Can’t wait to see what other goodness you can write!
Carmen 🙂
Safiya,
I just want to tell you how beautiful this peace was–your writing has a flow to it that is so seamless and smooth and their is such maturity and simplicity in your words. My all time favourite line from this piece was,
“Finally the sky began to awaken as it wiped the morning’s greys out of its eyes clearing the view and allowing bright lights to shine through. ”
Honestly, wow. That line just took my breath away; the poetic-ness, the personification–it was absolutely stunning. Also, the story of how mermaids came to be was such an excellent choice to write about and it worked so well.
In terms of improvement, I would offer to be careful with spelling mistakes and grammar. Also, I would’ve loved to see you format the story in paragraphs as opposed to one long paragraph, as well as maybe elaborating on the feeling and transformation of the women into mermaids, and the reason as to why the men threw them overboard.
Overall, AMAZING work. I can’t wait to see what you do next!!
-Hope